• More Challenges
• Of Hair Dye and Temper Tantrums
• Scavenger Hunt
• Back to School
• The Value of a Buck
• Battle of the Bands
• Talking to Teens

More Challenges

Two blog entries in one day. I must have a lot to get off my chest.

I get a call from Derwood?s school principal yesterday afternoon: he?s being suspended for a day for fighting at school. We?re lucky it?s only for a day, and that he?s being kept at school for the rest of the day and not being sent home immediately. Apparently the other boys involved did provoke him and are also being punished, but here?s the kicker: he?s also been seen by a teacher bullying other smaller kids, and has been warned twice this week already about this sort of behaviour.

Sheesh. What next? He has had problems with being bullied by others in the past; having a learning disability he is a bit socially inept, and this isn?t actually the first time he?s mixed it up with another kid because of taunting or some other provocation. We?ve told him over and over, walk away, tell a teacher, don?t get angry and don?t fight back? There might be times in your adult life when fighting back is the only option, but in the schoolyard is not the time or the place. Getting permanently suspended from school can fuck up your future. Unfortunately, we live in a province where that can happen.

So, today he?s home from school. As punishment he was asked to write a 250 word essay on why he must not fight and what he will do differently next time something like this happens. In addition, he missed a school field trip that was taking place today. This is a good thing because it?s not like he?s getting a free pass out of classes: he?s actually missing something fun and he?s spending the day writing an essay. As well, he?s grounded for the weekend which means he doesn?t get to go to the Fall Fair. Also, no computer, no TV, and he must spend the day tomorrow tidying his room.

No computer and no TV (in his room) and no going out in the evening meant he was home to watch TV sit with us in the living room all evening. So I got to listen to him chatter gaily all through Survivor and the season premier of CSI. You?d think he?d be just the least bit quiet and remorseful under the circumstances, but no. I had to listen to his obvious know-it-all comments and silly chit-chat all evening. And I just had to hold my tongue or else I?d have sounded like a hideous shrieking shrew. I have this to look forward to again this evening.

Today, to start off the morning, he was late getting downstairs (there was to be no sleeping in) and while I?m in my office checking e-mail, he?s down in the kitchen making his breakfast and I smell burning. Not toast burning, but matches burning. I dash down to the kitchen, ?What?s burning? I smell burning.?

?I don?t know??

I run to the basement door and call down to Lloyd, ??Are you burning something down there?? but I can?t smell it there and besides he?s not even awake yet, which he should be.

?OK, Derwood, what?s burning??

?Nothing? I don?t know??

?I?m not stupid. I can smell matches. Did you light a match??

?Yeah?? he finally admits. ?Christ! Don?t ever do that again!? I head back upstairs.

Back in my office I still smell burning stronger than before. I realise perhaps I didn?t do enough checking. Back to the kitchen.

?Where did you light it? Where did you put it out? Did you light anything on fire?? I?m freaking. I?m looking all over for smouldering paper. One time two years ago I found a TV guide with a hole burned in the cover. Lying on the coffee table, which is wood.

He says he threw it outside on the wet grass. I make him show me where. I don?t see anything burning. I go back upstairs, taking the matches and the BBQ lighter with me.

Ten minutes later I realise Lloyd hasn?t come upstairs for his shower yet, so have to go back down there and wake him up again. When he finally wanders upstairs I ask him what?s up, because he didn?t eat his supper the night before and when I asked him then if he was upset about anything he said yes, but he didn?t want to talk about it. This morning I ask him again if he?s feeling any better and he says ?for the most part?, but he still won?t talk about what?s bothering him. ?Should I be worried?? I ask, meaning, ?am I going to get a call from the school counsellor again saying you?ve been writing about suicide?? but I don?t say that.

The S-Word is a big one with teens. I realize being 16 is a rough time. But if they won?t discuss it and make it a badge of honour not to discuss it there?s not much you can do but hope they survive it. You can try to send them to counselling but if they won?t talk to you or someone else they supposedly trust about what?s eating them, they are certainly not going to talk to a stranger. Especially when they?ve gotten burned by quack youth counsellors in the past. But that?s another story.

Sigh. It?s not usually so exciting around here. But today, I seem to have one kid who?s a pyromaniac bully with anger issues, and another one who?s depressed and won?t eat. I need a vacation.

Filed under Parenting, Sep 23, 2005
 

Comments (0)

Of Hair Dye and Temper Tantrums

Yesterday Lloyd asked us if it was OK with us if he got his hair ?trimmed and dyed?. Trimming I have no problem with ? it needs it badly. I don?t even have particular problem with him dying it, but nonetheless I asked him what colour he was thinking of.

?Black? he says.

?Yeah, no problem?, I say. Like my late mother, I?m not one to ?sweat the small stuff? when it comes to kids and their expressions of individuality via questionable fashion choices. I have no beefs with the black nail polish, hell, I even bought some for him. My mother tolerated my green glitter nail polish (very Sally Bowles) and my ring-on-every-finger phase, not to mention the tacky wigs and hairpieces, too much white eyeliner and other regrettable fashion faux-pas from my teens.

After discussing the dye job he says, ?So, can I get it done this week?? and I look at Redman and finally twig that somehow by agreeing to let him do this we are also tacitly agreeing to pay for it.

?Hmmm.? I say, ?first you?d better find out what this is going to cost, because I know it?s going to be at least $60 or $70 dollars and I don?t think our budget will stretch to that right now, so I don?t think so.? Hell we haven?t even paid for the back to school clothes and supplies and Derwood?s astronomical student fee yet.

My own very conservative hairdresser charges $50 for this service, which is part of the reason why I don?t get my hair dyed any more, and I figure any salon whose name starts with an ?X? is going to add a few bucks to this price, just because they can. I don?t mind paying for hair cuts, even overpriced ones, but I draw the line at paying for dye jobs for teenaged boys, because aside from being a bit of a frivolity, they keep having to get re-done at regular intervals.

He says, ?Well, where am I going to get the money for this??, like we?re forcing him to pay for some dire necessity of life out of his own pocket.

?I don?t know, maybe earn it yourself by doing something? Get a job, perhaps?? That ends the discussion rather abruptly.

***

This morning, and not for the first time, Lloyd is heard throwing some sort of tantrum in his basement lair, because his internet connection is not working properly. I don?t even want to ask this time. I already know from past discussions that it?s all our fault because we have a ?shit internet connection? and apparently we can solve the problem, if we really cared about his feelings, by ?getting a better ISP?.

Well, you know what, like most parents, I suspect, we don?t respond well to tantrums. We?re not forking out an extra $20 a month for cable internet and buy new network hardware just so he can have a ?good? internet connection. His father and I are not changing ISP?s, forcing Redman to lose the email address that he?s had for 6 years, just to make Lloyd happy. I doubt it would solve the problem anyway.

I work on the internet for a living and I?m on it all day long and I never have a problem with our connection being slow or dropping carrier. Sometimes I have problems with individual parts of it, like my POP server might be down or my SMTP server is down, (they are on two different ISP?s) but we haven?t had recurring problems with dropped carriers in quite a while, not since we got our new network hardware, which leads me to believe the problems we had in the past had more to do with hardware or configuration than the ISP. I can?t even recall the last time I was forced to reboot the modem. The only time the thing slows down to a dead crawl is one of our little darlings is connected to a file-sharing network. (Which is illegal.)

His problems, and I don?t doubt he?s having them, might have to do with his computer being choked with adware or malware, a hardware glitch, or the fact that he?s trying to connect to messaging and game servers that are over-packed with users at certain times of the day. But will he listen to that? No. It?s all our fault for being so cheap. Our internet connection is NOT cheap by the way, and we DO have ADSL, and all the IPS?s in the area are about the same level of reliability as the one we?re connected with, but he doesn?t believe that. Our ISP is shit because it?s the one WE picked.

Never mind that we bought him a fully-loaded state-of-the art computer (better than mine) when we re-did his room and had our tech guy in to get the thing configured and wired to our network at some expense, but apparently it?s also our parental duty to make sure he has a fast and trouble-free internet connection, the same as we are obliged provide him an endless supply of milk, pizza pops and toaster waffles.

Not married yet? Newly married and thinking about having kids? Think harder.

Filed under Parenting, Sep 19, 2005
 

Comments (2)

Scavenger Hunt

One of the most stressful things about the back-to school season is the whole ?list-fulfilment? exercise. It goes like this: child brings home list of school supplies, parent goes on scavenger hunt trying to find all the stuff on the list (at the least possible cost,) parent brings home and points out items that have been purchased, child either says they ?do not really need them because?? (insert list of excuses here) or items go unclaimed and sit on the dining room table for several days until I get sick and tired of looking at them/working around them and stuff them into said child?s backpack in the hopes that they?ll disappear.

Yesterday I spent an entire HOUR out of my working morning driving all over town looking for a pair of burgundy gym shorts. Derwood came home on Friday stating that he had to have a gym uniform. No word on where this uniform was to be purchased or at what cost. In lieu of a uniform, students could wear a gray T-shirt, burgundy gym shorts, and white socks (Northwestern S.S. school colours). We should have looked for this stuff on the weekend but I was too busy doing laundry, playing golf and otherwise desperately trying to relax to remember to do it. (This is the other reason this exercise is so stressful: you forget to do it because it all seems so meaningless, then you have to scramble to meet some unspecified deadline when you do remember.)

When I was in high school in Windsor we (girls) were made to wear royal blue and very un-attractive one-piece bloomers for gym. We were told exactly where to buy them, at some sporting goods store downtown, or perhaps there was an older student selling a used uniform. So I asked him yesterday morning if ?they? had happened to mention where I could buy these gym shorts. ?Anywhere,? is his reply. ?That?s not very specific, Derwood, as I suspect that you really cannot buy them just ?Anywhere??. I refrained from asking him to also define ?burgundy? as I assumed that?s just too hard a question for any 14-year-old male, let alone one in Special Ed.

See, now I know it?s probably a sure thing I will find these shorts at Hishon?s Sporting Goods which is like THE sporting goods store in town, but I also know they will charge the most amount of money possible for them. I want to avoid going there first and then feeling forced to buy them at $30 or more or go searching elsewhere. I decide that I?ll look elsewhere first.

I start at Giant Tiger where I score a gray t-shirt for $2.97 (cash, my own pocket money.) No shorts of any description however. Then I drive ALL THE WAY across town to the mall. First stop, Canadian Tire, which sells athletic wear. Nothing in burgundy and nothing under $34.95. Sears: NADA. I wander hopelessly through the mall thinking maybe there?s something I?ve missed. There?s a new Sport Chek store: opening in October.

In desperation I try Mark?s Work Wearhouse, which has nothing, but a very helpful salesperson suggests Dunny?s, a sporting goods store downtown, which I had totally forgotten about/never noticed before. She says they?re having a clearance sale, which either means I?ll be able to get what I want cheap or they?ll be all sold out of them (because of all the super-organized parents who bought them on Saturday.) We also have a rather amusing discussion about the $60 student fee they want at Derwood?s school with no list and no official note as to the exact amount of money wanted and what it?s for. Her kids hit her up for the same amount. She says, ?You think I?m going to fork over $60 cash to you just on your say-so? Helloo, not born yesterday??

As I?m out that side of town anyway I try Zellers, but there?s nothing in the way of gym shorts. By this time I?m thinking, there are probably at least 200 Northwestern students in this town needing new gym uniforms this year. You?d think SOME entrepreneurial soul would have a large supply of burgundy gym shorts on hand. (Um, that would probably be Hishon?s)

So now I drive back downtown to Dunny?s. I park, walk around to the front of the store and there, glinting in the sunlight on a rack in front of the store is the Holy Grail: one single pair of burgundy nylon gym shorts. Size? Small! Price? $9.99! SCORE! It?s the last pair in the store, they tell me. And yes, they assure me they are the right colour for Northwestern.

Here?s the ironic thing: I live three blocks from downtown. I could have WALKED there and saved the time and the gasoline at $1.25 a litre.

Filed under Parenting, Sep 13, 2005
 

Comments (1)

Back to School

OK, school?s out for the day and Derwood is home. I?m hearing the usual sounds I hear after 4:00 pm every day: the wail of some female cartoon character undergoing some sort of major difficulty (such as permanent loss of cuteness??) coming from the next room. ?Wahhh-uuahhh? she wails, as abjectly as only a children?s anime character can cry.? The noise is somehow comforting, yet so annoying at the same time. It?s so quiet here in the morning now I feel as if something is wrong. Have the children died in their sleep? Aren?t I supposed to be nagging them to get up or something?

Yes, school has started and while I?m thrilled to bits at getting them up and out of the house by 8:30 every day, there are some drawbacks. For one, it?s back to the morning chore of fixing imaginative lunches. Without recourse to peanut butter I have no ideas here ? there?s a total peanut ban at Derwood?s school and he?ll eat little else at home. Last year he ate plain honey ham sandwiches EVERY DAY. Now he?s sick of them ? and wouldn?t you be? I?d ask him what he might like as a change, and he?d say, ?I have no clue.? This year he wants Jamaican patties. Easy, until he gets sick of those. Perhaps I?ll have to try bologna again. Cheese sandwiches? No dice. He?d eat ramen noodles, dry, but I draw the line there. Why I think pouring boiling water over them adds nutrition, I have no idea. I should just give in and let him have them dry. He eats them for snacks that way anyway, judging from the number of unopened soup flavour packets I find lying around upstairs.

I could let him buy his lunch every day at $2.50 a time, easier for me and he?d probably get a slightly better lunch, but it adds up. Our food budget is stretched pretty tight as it is with two teenage males in the house who refuse to eat any food that requires more preparation than being nuked it in the microwave (unless, of course, I?m cooking it.)? So of course we?re stocking up on pizza pops, corn dogs and frozen waffles. And crates and crates of cereal.

Speaking of cereal, we usually buy the generic store brand. There were real Corn Pops on sale at the grocery store this week, so we bought some. Big mistake. Now they?ve had the real thing and the claim they are ?so much better? than the fake ones. Sorry, as soon as this box is empty, it?s back to the Corn Dunks. Don?t like them as well? Tough.

Redman complained that for the last few months we?ve been spending about $100 a month more on groceries than we ?usually? do. ?There?s no more ?usually?? I said, ?we have teenagers now, so get used to it. It?s only going to get worse.?

The other drawback is the constant demand for money and things. After spending a moderate amount of money on clothes and cheap school supplies, there were new demands for additional supplies we hadn?t thought of. Lloyd told us last night he needed a new scientific calculator. ?Didn?t I just buy you one, like three months ago?? I asked. It was during exam week, I know this, because he had lost the one we bought him at the start of the school year, and I gave him money and made him go shopping for one himself. This he?s totally forgotten, the calculator is nowhere to be found, so now he wants another one.

Redman says, ?Maybe you should try keeping track of your things instead of asking us to buy you new ones all the time. Don?t you think so??

?Um, I suppose so?? Lloyd mumbles.

This morning as Redman is leaving for work, Derwood goes, ?Oh yeah, I need money for a student card and student fees and a yearbook.? How much? $60. Yikes. I haven?t even heard from Lloyd yet what his student fees are going to be. And I know he?s going to ask me for them, as he?s heading out the door on the day they are due. Then there are: school trips, drivers ed, and on and on.

Eventually they leave home. Eventually. After you go broke paying university tuition. Then they can?t find a job and they come home again. So you can support them for a few more years.

Wahhh-uuahhh?..

Filed under Parenting, Sep 7, 2005
 

Comments (0)

The Value of a Buck

Lloyd comes to us a week or so ago, and says ?Give me some money so I can shop for back to school clothes.?? At least he didn?t say ?Give me your MasterCard so I can shop for back to school clothes?, but he might as well have. I can envision giving him $100 and have him end up with one pair of pants and one t-shirt ? maybe.

This is a boy who buys $35 t-shirts. This is a boy who, we just found out, spent $58 and tax on a pair of jeans. With money that was given to him for another purpose. This is a boy who did not get a summer job and therefore has no money of his own to spend on trendy clothes. This is a boy who apparently does not know the value of a buck.

We ask him what he needs and tell him we?ll buy it. He says he needs 6 pairs of jeans similar to the pair he just bought. Presumably we are expected to pay $58 a pair (or more) for said jeans. Firstly we explain that he probably does not really need 6 pairs of jeans unless he plans to wear a different pair every day of the week (and since when did that happen) so he really only needs 3 or 4 pair. We further explain that $58 is an exorbitant amount of money to pay for a pair of jeans (I personally have never paid that much for a pair of pants of any description in my entire life) and that at a store that caters to teens like Bootlegger or Thrifty?s (which isn?t thrifty,)? the prices are marked up pretty high, especially at the start of a season. In other words, they see you coming.

We can get pants at Costco or Mark?s Work Wearhouse for around $20-$30 a pair. Redman buys chinos at Costco for $16.95 that wear like iron. I pay $25-$35 for my casual pants at Marks. Dress pants, I try to buy on sale. Trouble is, Lloyd thinks anything that costs under $50 is crap. And the bottom line is, he thinks we?re cheap.

Knowing that he won?t wear anything we buy him if he doesn?t like it, we asked him to come with us to Costco..

He refuses. ?Why should I waste a whole day shopping with you guys??

?So that we can buy you what you want.?

?What difference does it make. You never gave me any choice before.? (Sigh.)

?I don?t think we?re being unreasonable. We want you to have pants that you like. I just want you to see that you can buy good pants for less that $60 that aren?t crap.?

?Gawd! Do they even exist???? he scoffs, giving a creditable Napoleon Dynamite impression.

Time for me to leave the room calmly before I snatch him bald. Upon my return to the living room I hear him saying ?I have to leave now? as he heads out the door.

?Thank god,? I say to Redman. ?My head was about to explode.?

A month or so back Lloyd needed new running shoes and was hitting us up for a pair of Converse High Tops which I imagine go for over $100 a pair.? Shopping for shoes is something we WON?T do without him present to try them on, so we said we?d see what we could find. We found a pair of canvas high-tops at Sears for $22. He figured these would be OK. By the time we used some discount or coupon we were eligible for, they ended up costing only $12. I?m not sure that the fact that the shoes cost $12 instead of $120 made any sort of impression on him, but he does like them, and he is wearing them.

One point for us cheapskates, I guess.

Filed under Parenting, Aug 22, 2005
 

Comments (0)

What I'm Reading
Middlemarch
by George Elliott

Where I Go wilwheaton dot net Big Pink Cookie cobolhacker.com Dooce flagrantdisregard flickr.com International Metropolis Internet Movie Database Marie Wise, Artist Marie's Art Journey PHP.net Presstube rotten dot com Scout's Swag The Sneeze Wil Wheaton In Exile Yarn Harlot

What I've Been Shooting

See next entries under this heading or see the Archive