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When Children Disappoint

Followers of this blog might have gathered by now that my stepson Derwood is a bit of a challenge. Actually both my stepsons are challenging but in different ways. Lloyd, because he us 16. Derwood, because he?s just ? Derwood.

Back in the spring he expressed an interest in joining Army Cadets. I never thought I?d rejoice at the idea of a male child in my care wanting to get involved with the military, but in his case it seemed like a really good way for him to get some structure and discipline, plus possibly learn a trade and get a good start in life. Goodness knows he?s going to need all the help he can get.

Face it, being in special education, he doesn?t get a lot of challenges at school. And it?s not because he?s a dummy. It?s because he has ADD and he can?t focus on anything other than a computer game for more than five minutes. He?s terminally disorganized,? messier even than the average teen and never shows any initiative about helping around the house whatsoever.

Anyway, back to Cadets. Training started in September and we got him signed up. Shortly after joining they had a camping weekend and he seemed to enjoy it. There were weekly meetings on Mondays which started at 6:30 and lasted until 9:00. Usually he wasn?t home until 9:30 because he hung around afterwards to talk to ?the guys?. He got measured up for a uniform. He seemed enthusiastic.? We had glorious visions of him joining the engineer corps when he graduated Cadets. Even he seemed to think this sounded like a great career.

On Remembrance Day or thereabouts we got a call from someone in his squad asking if he could be present for a parade, and if so he needed to get down to the Armouries right away. I was a bit put out because he hadn?t eaten dinner yet and he didn?t seem to know anything about he event. ?Didn?t they tell you about it at Monday?s meeting?? ?Yeah they did but I forgot to tell you about it because I had too much on my mind.? I thought this was a bit funny but I sent him off and he came home having had a good time. (And what could he possibly have on his mind anyway? Never has homework, or school assignments, plays no sports, doesn?t have an after-school job, has never written ANYTHING in his completely virgin mint-condition school planner, just basically goes to school, comes home and plays on the computer, while watching cartoons on TV.) ?

Meanwhile, he started getting home from meetings a lot earlier. Seemed to me he came home pretty early the week of Remembrance day too. Redman and I wondered if he had actually gone to the meeting, seeing as how he hadn?t seemed to know about the parade. We asked him if he had been there, and he said yes. Every time we asked him what they did at the meeting he?d say ?not much.? And when asked when they were getting their uniforms, he?d say ?I don?t know?. And there was one week when he told us his meeting was cancelled, but we had never gotten a call about it. ??

Well, you can guess where this is going. This past Saturday, we got a call at 9:15 am from his C.O. saying he was supposed to be at a training day and he was late. And of course, he knew nothing about the training day because, we were informed, he hadn?t been to the meeting this past Monday. Nor had he, we later learned, attended a single meeting since October. When we thought he had been going to meetings, he had actually been going to the Youth Centre.

When asked (and I had to refrain from speaking to him, because at this point I want to brain him?) he said he didn?t want to go to cadets any more because ?it wasn?t very interesting? and it was on Monday night. I can only assume there must be something very special on TV on Monday nights because that could be the only thing he could possibly think he needs to be doing other than going to Cadets. Redman said, if he wanted to quit, he was going to have to tell the C.O. himself. So he took him down to the Armouries and left him there. Moments after Redman got home, the C.O. was back on the phone telling us to come get him.

As soon as he got him home, Redman set him to work shovelling the driveway while we discussed punishment. I wanted to take his computer away for a month. Naturally he was going grounded for an indeterminate period of time, and barred from going to the Youth Centre for the foreseeable future. I personally wanted to thrash him within an inch of his life ? not only for the bald-faced lies, but for throwing away such a great opportunity. But thrashing your kids is illegal, even if they clearly need it.

And then we had to take him out for a haircut and new winter boots. At this point we had not told him what his punishment was going to be, as Redman hadn?t decided yet. He was remarkably chipper for a lad who was about to have privileges revoked and I can only assume he was so relieved at not having to go to Cadets any more that he didn?t care about the punishment. So I had to endure his chatty remarks and general silliness for a couple of hours while we were out, when frankly I didn?t even want to be in the same building or vehicle with him.

After we got home, Redman read him the riot act. No computer for the weekend, grounded for the weekend, no allowance, no Youth Centre for a period of time as yet to be determined, and he had to clean his room. I was a bit stunned at this. I really felt this needed to be more severe. But I?m not his parent, and this was his father?s call.

Naturally I couldn?t refrain from having a few choice words to Derwood, about quitting, about being lazy, about disappointing everyone, about lying about going to meetings and making fools of us. He really didn?t seem to care. I could have said a lot more than I did, but I didn?t. I did at one point suggest to him that he apologize to his father for lying. (Never mind lying to me. I pretty much expect him to lie to me now, so there?s no real loss of trust there.) As far as I know, he hasn?t apologized to his dad yet.

Anyway, Redman had other things troubling his mind this weekend, which I won?t go into in detail. At the end of the day Sunday he said ?This has been a very stressful weekend,? ? I agreed here ? ?because of, you know, the thing.? Of course the thing he meant was not the thing with Derwood. Which was the thing that was stressing me out. So, I had to talk to him about it.

?Do you think the punishment you gave him was strong enough? Because really, I don?t even think he cared, except for being a little bored this afternoon.? ?He felt for the lying, it was enough. For quitting Cadets, he said in his gut he could understand why. He was gravely disappointed with him, but that was another issue. I said I had been thinking about it during the day and although my gut reaction was to want to make the little bugger?s life a living hell for the next while for letting us down, I knew that was wrong. In the end, you can?t punish a child for disappointing you.

Ironically, Redman?s dilemma was that he was considering joining an organization but was having some second thoughts about making a commitment to it, if it didn?t coincide with his personal beliefs. So he didn?t want to join if it meant he might end up quitting later. I applaud him for taking that kind of care in his decisions. I only wish he could somehow instil that trait in his offspring.

Filed under Parenting, Dec 5, 2005
 

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Comments on this post:

don't you have anything better to do then blab about your step kid.

Comment by - 2005-12-14 10:22:11

 

If I can't vent about issues that bother me on my own blog, what's the point? Perhaps you could have offered me some helpful advice rather than criticizing my personal feelings, if you are so experienced about these things.

Comment by Happy Blogger - 2005-12-15 07:21:54

 
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